Someday When You Leave Me I Bet These Memories Follow You Around

“Memory gives moments immortality but forgetfulness promotes a healthy mind. It’s good to forget.”
— Hannibal

If you have watched or read The Fault In Our Stars, you would have probably heard of the fear of oblivion. Let's be honest, we all crave attention even if it's just a little. Who wants to go through life unnoticed? Not matter how much you can deny it, you must admit you feel nice when you get acknowledged.

Often we live our lives for the sake of others. Or maybe it's just me Often so we live in the past, keeping hold on memories which brings us joy. Or maybe again it's just me

Why do we do that?

I have no idea what goes on in my head most of the time which is why I kept a blog to keep track on my train of thoughts. Today for instance, I was submerged in my notes trying to stuff everything I can in 3 hours for a test when suddenly I recall a memory from a year before. Have that ever happen to you before? Recalling random memories out of no apparent reason. There are some memories that will be with you for eternity. Those moments have obtained immortality.

In my blog I randomly pour out thoughts, however in real life when I meet people I subconsciously avoid talking about myself. I do pour of random thoughts but none are relevant to who I am. Why am I more open in a public blog where everyone can read but I am more reclusive to the people around me? Perhaps I can just randomly type here without worrying about what other people may react.

Perhaps that was the reason I met so many Summers and no Autumn. Ever so often I don't talk about myself or trying to find out more about the Summers and just talk random thoughts on daily matters. Now I know why you are so frustrated sometimes.

Denial and Isolation

Anger

Bargaining 

Depression

Acceptance

This may have been one of my most messy post. My thoughts are scattered everywhere. In short, I am still harboring doubts on acceptance. Deep down inside I still hope Summer will become Autumn.

“Wishes of one's old life wither and shrivel like old leaves if they are not replaced with new wishes when the world changes. And the world always changes. Wishes get slimy, and their colors fade, and soon they are just mud, like all the rest of the mud, and not wishes at all, but regrets. The trouble is, not everyone can tell when they ought to launder their wishes. Even when one finds oneself in Fairyland and not at home at all, it is not always so easy to remember to catch the world in it's changing and change with it.”
― Catherynne M. Valente, The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making

Keep up with the change else the world and everything else will just leave you behind. That is a reason why things and people are always changing. Nothing is meant to remain the same forever. If everything remains the same and nothing happens, we would still be living in caves now. I don't like when people and things change before I could accept it. More so often I cling on to the way things are and hold on to those memories. Perhaps I fear oblivion more than solitude. Can I survive being alone or being forgotten?

 If you have read everything up to this point, here are pictures of food to show my gratitude

As odd as it may sound, I am not suicidal. I just like doing random things for random reasons.

I think I'm going to take some time off this blog and finish up all my novels before the exam season is upon me. Please don't miss me. When I say that I meant please miss me and beg me to write more because I secretly want people to read my blog and learn more about me and in return empathize with me and perhaps one day I will meet Autumn

Good Night Peeps!

Everybody Here Wanted Something More

"ap·a·thy ˈapəTHē/ noun lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern."

The efforts I place in making a present for someone shows how much that person means to me. If I can't make it as nice as I wish to I will ensure the content is something that person really wants. This is when I feel I need to be more selfish. I often spend most of my time or money on other people rather than myself. Perhaps my understanding of people is based on empathy. Even though I like to see how happy and joyful people get when they receive my present, deep down inside I always want someone to do the same thing for me. I want to receive a present as meaningful as the ones I make. Because to be honest every time I get a present for my birthday it is usually something I don't want

Okay perhaps I shouldn't complain so much. I know myself and to be honest unless you have been stalking my blog ever since forever it is quite difficult to find out what I want. That is also the reason why if I ever want something I usually get it for myself rather than wishing for someone to get for me. I am the most difficult person to get a present for if I must admit myself. Life is similar to (500) Days of Summer. There are a lot of instances your expectations do not even come close to reality. Perhaps you thought you know someone well and that person meant a lot to you, but you might not be as important to her as she is to you.

Okay perhaps I am not so okay as I thought I am. Maybe after so many years of doing so much for others, I just got tired.

This is one of my favorite present. It don't have to be fancy. And to be honest it doesn't serve much practical use but it just shows how meaningful it is. I love stars. This is the sort of present I secretly desire deep down inside. I always want someone to give me something which shows how much they know me and my obsessions.

Okay maybe I am still clinging on the hope of getting 1989 album which amplify my disappointments

Okay like I always say it's the thought that matters. Getting something by all means is way better than getting nothing and gets forgotten.


November 2014 is a month where I have a lot of random thoughts to blog about. I try to display empathy but all I get back is apathy. People are confusing sometimes. In most cases, the one thing most human desire above all else is companionship. Some people do not mind having nothing as long as they have someone in their life that understands them well. I think that is why I keep watching back how to train your dragon again and again this few days. I crave for the bond between Toothless and Hiccup.

"Amobarbital Drug
Amobarbital is a drug that is a barbiturate derivative. It has sedative-hypnotic properties. It is a white crystalline powder with no odor and a slightly bitter taste. It was first synthesized in Germany in 1923."

Chemistry is so cool. There is a chemica call sodium amytal that induce a person to tell the truth. In movies you see people use truth serum and stuff like that. IT ACTUALLY EXISTS. I think I see how people interact as chemical reactions. By understanding the chemicals perhaps I might understand people. Or maybe I just want to learn to make meth and get rich like Walter White.

So yup November edges closer to an end and December is creeping up on us. Perhaps when November ends so is my writing phase. Oh wait there is still December where I will blog about what happen this year and what to wish to expect next year.

Aside from the 1989 album I secretly want Hansel and Gretel by Neil Gaiman and also The Sleeper and The Spindle by Neil Gaiman and Soul Eater vol 22 and 23

Okay putting everything aside. I am thankful for everything I have received so far. Thank you to everyone and I really do appreciate the thoughts and efforts in the presents :) We should always be grateful and I am thankful to have people around me who I am forevermore be grateful to.

What Other Calls You, You Become

I think my understanding of people is heavily reliant on empathy. That thinking actually shape how I interact with people. I tend to share things about myself and hope people do the same. Usually they don't which is why I find creating bonds is not as simple as I thought.

If you have been reading my blog since.... forever then you will know I love How To Train Your Dragon, Taylor Swift and (500) Days of Summer. There is a reason why I love them. Watching How to Train Your Dragon for the nth time (n being a number close to infinity), I realized I want to have a bond like how Hiccup have with Toothless. That is the reason I empathize with people. I open up hoping they would do the same. Usually they don't which makes me feel as though I know nothing about them and eventually they drift out after a certain period of time.

The reason I love (500) Days of Summer is well, love is like that. You always think you found the right one but somehow she don't feel the same way and one day she meets someone else and she found what that was missing in you in him. Life is to me so far is that way.

I should be more selfish sometimes. Most of the time I always give things to random people. Maybe that is because I want to bring joy to the world. The only time I feel I truly am selfish is when I collect my figurines and went for Taylor Swift's RED Tour. I usually bring a tupperware full of food to my classes and most times I just share out most of it to my classmates. Maybe that is the reason I can't get fat. I need to be more selfish with my food lolol. Sometimes I wonder why am I doing so much for someone. Perhaps by bringing joy to their world maybe I can change the world to a better place one small step at a time?

Google is amusing sometimes.

 This cat is so high

Because it is buy one free one

The only thing I can obsess more other than Taylor Swift is Alice in Wonderland

“That's just the first part. What others call you, you become. It's a terrible magic that everyone can do — so do it. Call yourself what you wish to become.” 

― Catherynne M. Valente, The Girl Who Soared Over Fairyland and Cut the Moon in Two

I wish to become Santa. Or anyone who can bring joy to the world. I want to be someone who save animals and perhaps change the world with creative thinking. 

Again. Death. Go away. Test in 5 days %^&*()(^%$#@!@#$%

I just realized I posted more in a month that I did in half a year. 

I Find Myself Strangely Drawn To This Odd Configuration Of Activity

Find a job that you love and you wont feel as though you are working everyday. We are always told that if we want to have a blissful future we should always do something we want to. This words have been recycled countless times and to be honest I have now only seen the real life  example.

Recently me and my group members had a long discussion with one of our lecturers. Technically he is not a lecturer but a teaching consultant. The main point isn't his title but what he does. He was an engineer until 1994. After that he just went into retirement and does odd jobs. He went around cutting grass and do not place a price. It is up to the people how much they wanted to pay him. He even open up a toast bread shop in Gua Musang. Finally in 2011 he decided to apply for a teaching position in UMP and he got it.

He is a real life example on how powerful passion can be on our lives. University life isn't same as now back in the olden days. We are very privileged to have so many resources for us to access. If you are truly passionate on what you are studying then you will pour countless hours reading and understanding thick textbooks. Basically now, from my observation we usually just study up for a test. We don't usually take the extra step in the things we learn. Just enough to get an A and delete and repeat for a different subject.

This is why I am so amazed that he actually read completely everything there is to know about that subject. His argument was if you want to walk the talk you must ensure you are well versed in that subject. If everyone think the same way as him, Malaysia would have too many over qualified graduates.

My friend then asked the reality of working life. He said he was told a lot of things we studied for 4 years won't be used in our work. My lecturer said that is untrue. It depends on your perspective. As an engineer we are supposed to have a high degree of curiosity. If you are passionate about your job, then you will work beyond the working hours. Spend your free time researching and exploring, for instance how to reduce the power consumption in the office.

In short, if you are truly passionate on something then it won't feel like a chore. Find a job you will really like because it will truly be as though you are not working everyday. My lecturer even ask us to invest on an oscilloscope and conduct random experiments to truly understand what you are studying.

So now basically I am in the discovering myself phase. No just kidding. I spend all my time reading fairy tales, watching Hannibal again and waiting until the last due date only rush my home works.

I made this. I feel so proud. 

My mind is still messing with me when I thought I move on from Summer. Letting go might not be the easiest thing it seems.

I think I will try to find for a job where all I need to do is read fairy tales. That truly is a something I will be passionate about.


Okay. Study. Death go away from my grades.

If You Ask For My Heart, There's No Way I'll Say No

I find this very beautiful

Death is always with you. He grows with you. When you are born death is very little. So little you might never notice him at all. But as you grow older, Death grows with you. He watches over you and you will meet him when time comes. I find this personification of Death very interesting. It's a beautiful way to say we all will die eventually.

This is a bit grim from the things I usually blog about but I've been reading "The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making" again.

“Who are you?"

"I am Death," said the creature. "I thought that was obvious."

"But you're so small!"

"Only because you are small. You are young and far from your Death, September, so I seem as anything would seem if you saw it from a long way off-very small, very harmless. But I am always closer than I appear. As you grow, I shall grow with you, until at the end, I shall loom huge and dark over your bed, and you will shut your eyes so as not to see me.”

We all can't escape Death. Life brought us to the world and one day Death will spirit us away to another world. Sometimes when I meet my grandma I always think how long do I have to spend time with her? It's a bit grim to think that way but it makes me appreciate the fact that she is still here talking to me. Everyone I know and cherish is still around me.

“There is a reason God limits our days."

"Why?"

"To make each one precious.

Make full use of every moment we have because we will never know when will the time be when Death comes and greet you as an old friend. 

I am still searching for my Autumn. 

Should I stop talking to Summer?

Okay. Test. Tuesday. Death please do not visit my grades.

Oh Darling, I Love You So

"Tom: You don't want to be named as anybody's girlfriend, and now you're someone's wife?

Summer: I just... I just woke up one day and I knew.

Tom: Knew what?

Summer: ...What I was never sure of with you."

This scene was the reason why I love this movie so much. It is also why I felt so related to this movie I revolve my life around this movie 

I find it odd that I share more about myself in this public blog with no idea who is reading it than to the people around me. Honestly I can only think of 2 people I can really talk to when I have the "What I was never sure with you" moment. How odd it is that I have plenty of people around me but I do not relate to them. Only a few I rather open up to. I rather open up in this blog than to the people around me which makes me feel anti social at times.

Okay the reason I can always, well not only me I am sure other people can relate as well, to this scene was the fact that when you go after someone and you felt as though you are living in a dream. You felt as though you both are meant to be together but little did you know it is all only in your mind. She might not feel the same way as you do. Then one day she tells you she found someone else and reality breaks your dream and you are left to ponder on is, what was I lacking?

What was missing from you that she wasn't sure of? You have known her for years and out of the sudden someone else comes along and there she goes. She found what she wasn't sure in you in him. In the end what else can you do?

Will things ever be the same again?

A promise is a promise. 

I will always be there for you. Even if I know there is no hope at the end of that road.

I will be okay. 

Okay.

...

I Bleed When I Fall Down

I never felt so related to this 

That one moment where reality breaks in and the world of fantasy comes crashing down. 

Eternal November

"em·pa·thy /ˈempəTHē/ noun ; the ability to understand and share the feelings of another."

"Empathy is the capacity to share or recognize emotions experienced by another sentient or fictional being. One may need to have a certain amount of empathy before being able to experience accurate sympathy or compassion." 

"Lack of empathy is one of the most striking features of people with narcissistic personality disorder. It's a hallmark of the disorder in the same way that fear of abandonment is in borderline personality disorder."

Empathy. The one nature in a person that makes them human. The ability to feel, understand and connect to others. Does that one nature truly defines us as a human being? Empathy is the reason we feel guilty or remorse when we do something bad, but then again who is right to define what's right or wrong? Are we merely guided by religion or the basic concept of morality? Do good and harm no one.

There are two things I always seemed to be interested in. Fairy tales or fiction for young adults and psychology. I am always curious to learn how the human works. I wanted to pursue psychology after SPM but my parents forbid me to and here I am now in the engineering field. Perhaps that is the reason I love chemistry. The chemicals in our brain are responsible for our actions. It's like how Cortisol induces stress whereas Dopamine induces joy. It's is funny how such a meaningful thing as falling in love is actually the work of chemicals in our brain. It may not sound romantic but hey it just shows how influential the little chemicals in our head on our life.

Perhaps by understanding how the human mind works I would be able to understand how to react and behave in certain situations. There are countless moments where I just stayed quiet because I did not know how to react to certain situations. Those are the moments where I felt I might not be able to empathize. Which made me worried I might be prone to be a sociopath

But oddly I can empathize pain. Which made me uncomfortable whenever I watch movies or shows with a lot of gore scenes. Heck I even felt it when I read from a book. I have never really felt this way until I started reading about serial killers to present for my oral test in high school. Ever since then I have always felt uncomfortable whenever I watch gory scenes. I can feel the same thing happening to me which assured me I might not be a psychopath as well.

Oddly enough, Game of Thrones or Hannibal do not phase me as much as other shows. But the original Grimm fairy tales do get to me sometimes.

Being socially dormant on Facebook has led me to be more active and wordy in the blog. Okay maybe I should read more positive books and watch happier shows.

A random fact: I am not an avid reader when I was a kid. I only started reading when I finished form 6. Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events was the series that sparks my interest in reading. Ever since then I go broke buying so many books now I am just reading them again so I won't have to starve lolol. Just kidding. I still have some books I have yet to finish so I vowed not to get any more new books until I have finished them.

Perhaps I should read my academic books more than fiction and fantasy.

Owells it is still November yay!

Only The Dead Do Not Argue

"You cannot argue with fate, you can only defy it. You can only say no. No is how you know something is alive. Only the dead do not argue"

Mark Twain once said the most two important days in our lives is the day we are born and the day we found out why. We spend most of our time finding our place in the world. Our purpose. It might be the one thing that drives us to achieve everything we dream of. What if you meet your own fate? Not as in you are going to die. What if fate is a person you meet one day? A person who will tell you what is your fate, your purpose in this world. Would you want to find out your own destiny? What if your fate is something you did not expect it to be or even something you do not want to be? Is it still possible to change your fate?

We are all at the age where we contemplate on life and try to figure out what do we want to be in the future. Well I made that assumption because I assume whoever is reading my blog is around my age group. The one big question that always hang heavy on our heads is what do I want to be in the future? I dream of travelling the world but will that be possible? Will I be stuck in an office all day or in a laboratory which electronics as company? Or will I be sweeping floors off McD? *touch every wood I can see*

The only way to have a certain future is to plan ahead. My high school friend has long set America to be her destination to further her studies. I was very amazed she was able to be so objective at such a young age. She planned everything and work hard and she is now studying in the states. Perhaps she met her fate in school and knew how that was her future and she made sure she did everything to make it a reality. Okay I'm just kidding, she is a very focused and objective person. A very admirable factor about her.

To be honest, up until now, after 22 Novembers, I am still uncertain of my fate. I want to meet him or her or it and have a long argument. I don't want my fate to be a preset path. I take life one step at a time. Maybe that is the reason I can't think of what will my future be. The only thing I plan ahead is what to eat for dinner when I just woke up.

So hey what will you do if you ever meet your fate one day? Will you defy it or just accept it?


I think I want to meet my Doppelganger more than my fate.


Okay I need to start to plan for a future. Bringing joy to the world is not a valid occupation.

This book is too awesome

I find this very beautiful somehow

*inserts a quote which has no relation to the picture*

And I Crash and I Break Down

The blog had a new makeover!

To be honest, I never really put in real effort into the things I do. Well most of the things I do. That's the reason I can't excel and remain average at everything. May it be academics, sports, even gaming. The only time when I felt I put most effort is when I make a present. But how on earth can I sustain a living by making presents?!

After the holidays I was quite motivated for everything including revising for my studies. A week later all the motivation went up in smokes and all I do is watch Dexter all day. I have no idea but a lot of my classes got cancelled as well which does not help me feeling more reluctant to get out of the room.

But hey I need to grow up. I wrote down on my planner what I am supposed to do every day and I only managed to keep it up for two days. Oh god I need to be more organized. To be honest I did not put in my full effort in AIESEC as well which is why I did not gain as much as I could when I was still in my term.

I get distracted way to easily. I can spend an entire day doing nothing but stare at the newsfeed and constantly refreshing every 5 seconds. Good god I need a life.

Okay I promise to follow my schedule and get my life back on track. It won't be easy but I will shut off my laptop or at least turn off the WiFi to get my work done. I do not want to graduate with mediocre results and spend my entire life sweeping floors on fast food restaurants oh god. My dreams of travelling the world is still possible!


That means I shouldn't spend more time on this post and more time on my reports.

Wake up Lee Jing, Wake up





On a side note, my housemates asked if they ever visit Penang, can they crash at my place. I... honestly do not know how to respond to that seeing the way I am with family.


......



Kthnxbye

Forevermore

 There are 12 months in a year and my favorite is still November. I quite like February because it is so interesting having only 28 days or sometimes 29 days. I like everything which is different and odd and just plain different. As much as I'm inclined to liking February, November will always have a place in my heart.

So

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November is upon us which means the end is upon us! The end of the year I mean. Why I like November is because I was born in November November is not exactly at the end of the year but it is not the beginning either. It is like it's close to the end but it is not the end yet. It is the time where I sometimes review what I did this year and see what I still can do before the year ends. Did I kept to my resolutions? I will have two months to complete an entire year's resolution.

There is always hope. Even if you think there isn't, there always is hope.

The only narcissistic nature of myself is I like the way I think. It's like how I can talk about November so much as though it is a real person. Maybe that is the reason I often find books which has a whimsical story line. I like to live in a world of fantasy. Imagine a world where only our imagination limits us. Well technically our world is a world like that. Everything is possible because someone thought of it. We are only bounded by the laws of physicks. What if reality do not matter anymore and anything and everything is possible?

I saw a pothole on the ground and thought of Alice in Wonderland. What if I jump down that pothole? In reality I would just break my ankle. But what if I landed in Fairyland instead?

Okay I think I'm obsessed over this because I'm playing Wonderland by Taylor Swift on repeat. Taylor Swift. Wonderland. My two obsessions. What else can I ask?


I think I should go learn English and write books for children.

People might think I am mad sometimes. Maybe I should really find Wonderland and stay there.

November also is the time I feel like a recluse and stay online all the time but hide my presence well. I will comment on random posts and just stay a low profile. I don't know why I do that. I just do.


Time to hide in shell.