Everybody Here Wanted Something More

"ap·a·thy ˈapəTHē/ noun lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern."

The efforts I place in making a present for someone shows how much that person means to me. If I can't make it as nice as I wish to I will ensure the content is something that person really wants. This is when I feel I need to be more selfish. I often spend most of my time or money on other people rather than myself. Perhaps my understanding of people is based on empathy. Even though I like to see how happy and joyful people get when they receive my present, deep down inside I always want someone to do the same thing for me. I want to receive a present as meaningful as the ones I make. Because to be honest every time I get a present for my birthday it is usually something I don't want

Okay perhaps I shouldn't complain so much. I know myself and to be honest unless you have been stalking my blog ever since forever it is quite difficult to find out what I want. That is also the reason why if I ever want something I usually get it for myself rather than wishing for someone to get for me. I am the most difficult person to get a present for if I must admit myself. Life is similar to (500) Days of Summer. There are a lot of instances your expectations do not even come close to reality. Perhaps you thought you know someone well and that person meant a lot to you, but you might not be as important to her as she is to you.

Okay perhaps I am not so okay as I thought I am. Maybe after so many years of doing so much for others, I just got tired.

This is one of my favorite present. It don't have to be fancy. And to be honest it doesn't serve much practical use but it just shows how meaningful it is. I love stars. This is the sort of present I secretly desire deep down inside. I always want someone to give me something which shows how much they know me and my obsessions.

Okay maybe I am still clinging on the hope of getting 1989 album which amplify my disappointments

Okay like I always say it's the thought that matters. Getting something by all means is way better than getting nothing and gets forgotten.


November 2014 is a month where I have a lot of random thoughts to blog about. I try to display empathy but all I get back is apathy. People are confusing sometimes. In most cases, the one thing most human desire above all else is companionship. Some people do not mind having nothing as long as they have someone in their life that understands them well. I think that is why I keep watching back how to train your dragon again and again this few days. I crave for the bond between Toothless and Hiccup.

"Amobarbital Drug
Amobarbital is a drug that is a barbiturate derivative. It has sedative-hypnotic properties. It is a white crystalline powder with no odor and a slightly bitter taste. It was first synthesized in Germany in 1923."

Chemistry is so cool. There is a chemica call sodium amytal that induce a person to tell the truth. In movies you see people use truth serum and stuff like that. IT ACTUALLY EXISTS. I think I see how people interact as chemical reactions. By understanding the chemicals perhaps I might understand people. Or maybe I just want to learn to make meth and get rich like Walter White.

So yup November edges closer to an end and December is creeping up on us. Perhaps when November ends so is my writing phase. Oh wait there is still December where I will blog about what happen this year and what to wish to expect next year.

Aside from the 1989 album I secretly want Hansel and Gretel by Neil Gaiman and also The Sleeper and The Spindle by Neil Gaiman and Soul Eater vol 22 and 23

Okay putting everything aside. I am thankful for everything I have received so far. Thank you to everyone and I really do appreciate the thoughts and efforts in the presents :) We should always be grateful and I am thankful to have people around me who I am forevermore be grateful to.

What Other Calls You, You Become

I think my understanding of people is heavily reliant on empathy. That thinking actually shape how I interact with people. I tend to share things about myself and hope people do the same. Usually they don't which is why I find creating bonds is not as simple as I thought.

If you have been reading my blog since.... forever then you will know I love How To Train Your Dragon, Taylor Swift and (500) Days of Summer. There is a reason why I love them. Watching How to Train Your Dragon for the nth time (n being a number close to infinity), I realized I want to have a bond like how Hiccup have with Toothless. That is the reason I empathize with people. I open up hoping they would do the same. Usually they don't which makes me feel as though I know nothing about them and eventually they drift out after a certain period of time.

The reason I love (500) Days of Summer is well, love is like that. You always think you found the right one but somehow she don't feel the same way and one day she meets someone else and she found what that was missing in you in him. Life is to me so far is that way.

I should be more selfish sometimes. Most of the time I always give things to random people. Maybe that is because I want to bring joy to the world. The only time I feel I truly am selfish is when I collect my figurines and went for Taylor Swift's RED Tour. I usually bring a tupperware full of food to my classes and most times I just share out most of it to my classmates. Maybe that is the reason I can't get fat. I need to be more selfish with my food lolol. Sometimes I wonder why am I doing so much for someone. Perhaps by bringing joy to their world maybe I can change the world to a better place one small step at a time?

Google is amusing sometimes.

 This cat is so high

Because it is buy one free one

The only thing I can obsess more other than Taylor Swift is Alice in Wonderland

“That's just the first part. What others call you, you become. It's a terrible magic that everyone can do — so do it. Call yourself what you wish to become.” 

― Catherynne M. Valente, The Girl Who Soared Over Fairyland and Cut the Moon in Two

I wish to become Santa. Or anyone who can bring joy to the world. I want to be someone who save animals and perhaps change the world with creative thinking. 

Again. Death. Go away. Test in 5 days %^&*()(^%$#@!@#$%

I just realized I posted more in a month that I did in half a year. 

I Find Myself Strangely Drawn To This Odd Configuration Of Activity

Find a job that you love and you wont feel as though you are working everyday. We are always told that if we want to have a blissful future we should always do something we want to. This words have been recycled countless times and to be honest I have now only seen the real life  example.

Recently me and my group members had a long discussion with one of our lecturers. Technically he is not a lecturer but a teaching consultant. The main point isn't his title but what he does. He was an engineer until 1994. After that he just went into retirement and does odd jobs. He went around cutting grass and do not place a price. It is up to the people how much they wanted to pay him. He even open up a toast bread shop in Gua Musang. Finally in 2011 he decided to apply for a teaching position in UMP and he got it.

He is a real life example on how powerful passion can be on our lives. University life isn't same as now back in the olden days. We are very privileged to have so many resources for us to access. If you are truly passionate on what you are studying then you will pour countless hours reading and understanding thick textbooks. Basically now, from my observation we usually just study up for a test. We don't usually take the extra step in the things we learn. Just enough to get an A and delete and repeat for a different subject.

This is why I am so amazed that he actually read completely everything there is to know about that subject. His argument was if you want to walk the talk you must ensure you are well versed in that subject. If everyone think the same way as him, Malaysia would have too many over qualified graduates.

My friend then asked the reality of working life. He said he was told a lot of things we studied for 4 years won't be used in our work. My lecturer said that is untrue. It depends on your perspective. As an engineer we are supposed to have a high degree of curiosity. If you are passionate about your job, then you will work beyond the working hours. Spend your free time researching and exploring, for instance how to reduce the power consumption in the office.

In short, if you are truly passionate on something then it won't feel like a chore. Find a job you will really like because it will truly be as though you are not working everyday. My lecturer even ask us to invest on an oscilloscope and conduct random experiments to truly understand what you are studying.

So now basically I am in the discovering myself phase. No just kidding. I spend all my time reading fairy tales, watching Hannibal again and waiting until the last due date only rush my home works.

I made this. I feel so proud. 

My mind is still messing with me when I thought I move on from Summer. Letting go might not be the easiest thing it seems.

I think I will try to find for a job where all I need to do is read fairy tales. That truly is a something I will be passionate about.


Okay. Study. Death go away from my grades.

If You Ask For My Heart, There's No Way I'll Say No

I find this very beautiful

Death is always with you. He grows with you. When you are born death is very little. So little you might never notice him at all. But as you grow older, Death grows with you. He watches over you and you will meet him when time comes. I find this personification of Death very interesting. It's a beautiful way to say we all will die eventually.

This is a bit grim from the things I usually blog about but I've been reading "The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making" again.

“Who are you?"

"I am Death," said the creature. "I thought that was obvious."

"But you're so small!"

"Only because you are small. You are young and far from your Death, September, so I seem as anything would seem if you saw it from a long way off-very small, very harmless. But I am always closer than I appear. As you grow, I shall grow with you, until at the end, I shall loom huge and dark over your bed, and you will shut your eyes so as not to see me.”

We all can't escape Death. Life brought us to the world and one day Death will spirit us away to another world. Sometimes when I meet my grandma I always think how long do I have to spend time with her? It's a bit grim to think that way but it makes me appreciate the fact that she is still here talking to me. Everyone I know and cherish is still around me.

“There is a reason God limits our days."

"Why?"

"To make each one precious.

Make full use of every moment we have because we will never know when will the time be when Death comes and greet you as an old friend. 

I am still searching for my Autumn. 

Should I stop talking to Summer?

Okay. Test. Tuesday. Death please do not visit my grades.

Oh Darling, I Love You So

"Tom: You don't want to be named as anybody's girlfriend, and now you're someone's wife?

Summer: I just... I just woke up one day and I knew.

Tom: Knew what?

Summer: ...What I was never sure of with you."

This scene was the reason why I love this movie so much. It is also why I felt so related to this movie I revolve my life around this movie 

I find it odd that I share more about myself in this public blog with no idea who is reading it than to the people around me. Honestly I can only think of 2 people I can really talk to when I have the "What I was never sure with you" moment. How odd it is that I have plenty of people around me but I do not relate to them. Only a few I rather open up to. I rather open up in this blog than to the people around me which makes me feel anti social at times.

Okay the reason I can always, well not only me I am sure other people can relate as well, to this scene was the fact that when you go after someone and you felt as though you are living in a dream. You felt as though you both are meant to be together but little did you know it is all only in your mind. She might not feel the same way as you do. Then one day she tells you she found someone else and reality breaks your dream and you are left to ponder on is, what was I lacking?

What was missing from you that she wasn't sure of? You have known her for years and out of the sudden someone else comes along and there she goes. She found what she wasn't sure in you in him. In the end what else can you do?

Will things ever be the same again?

A promise is a promise. 

I will always be there for you. Even if I know there is no hope at the end of that road.

I will be okay. 

Okay.

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